Fortunately, this November the majority of the country actually decided they don’t like being belittled by tiresome clichés and practiced folksiness. Am I right, all you Joe Six-Packs, all you hockey moms? Are we nauseated yet? These election buzzwords are what politicians think Americans identify with, apparently. But I’d like to think most Americans are astute enough to understand that clichés only weaken speakers’ messages and demean their audiences.

So, while Rudy Giuliani is still taking meds to recover from his 9/11 Tourette’s, the country is floundering in post-election withdrawal – as the final wave of campaign catchphrase diarrhea works its way out of everyone’s system. Thus, I’d like to bring closure to the election season with an epic, cringe-worthy, run-on sentence of trite terms and hackneyed phrases. Are you ready?

Lest we forget, my dear fellow Americans, here’s some food for thought:

Look, my friends, the liberal media is completely in the tank for these abstract notions of “hope” and “change” and I fear that, as a Washington outsider, this credit crunch could be a real gamechanger if we don’t just sit down with Joe Six-Pack and stop measuring the drapes, and also too if we think about whether to side with Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers on the radical left or with all the hockey moms, mavericks and religious wingnuts on the right, then really, if we focus on the creation of new jobs in the Real America and avoid falling victim to gotcha journalism, that should demonstrate how we’re helping Main Street and not just bailing out Wall Street, so let me take you across this Bridge to Nowhere and see if we can’t demonstrate the Bradley Effect on election day, because, look, if you really think about it, this presidential race is all about telling the difference between rhetoric and record, and we’ve got to mend Washington’s poisonous partisan divide that splits the country into red states and blue states and learn to make a new purple America, because, yer darn right, it would be downright un-American to ignore the Heartland in favor of Washington elitists since, make no mistake, I would like to give a shout-out to all the good, hardworking voters of Florida, Michigan and Pennsyltucky, and while my opponent may appear more fervently patriotic, I’d rather see a lipstick-wearing pitbull lead this country than a socialist, you know, what we don’t need is an out-of-touch straight-talker who probably doesn’t even care what Joe the Plumber thinks about Troopergate, because the Dow plunges 400 points every day anyway, I mean, you know how it works in the good ol’ boys’ club, from Scranton all the way to Wasilla, because you see, what I want to do is reform the Zogby polls to more accurately reflect working class whites, and focus on improving the economic fundamentals under the umbrella of bankruptcy, because the surge worked in Iraq, and because I have the most foreign policy experience, I’m earmarking this groundswell of support for the future grandchildren of this great country, for every battleground state and every swing voter demographic, and then we’ll drill, baby, drill because this election is all mine, baby, mine, I really mean it, and you can trust me because I’m getting my facts on the ground, we’re gonna smoke ‘em out, and you can take that red meat to the bank, my friends, because I know the most important thing is to turn out the base, even if we have to resort to robocalls and ACORN voter fraud, since true patriots aren’t on the mainstream media’s liberal agenda, you know, we’ve got to rein in spending on big-ticket items and help out those average Joes worried about making their mortgage payments, and learn to embrace tax cuts for the wealthy, because we’re all frustrated by special interest groups and out-of-control pork-barrel spending, but mostly we just don’t know what to do with all these gosh-darn pies in the town halls, even though we plan to reach across the aisle and unite our nation for the greater good, but also mainly we’ve got to support our troops and usher in a new age of traditional family values, in order to preserve the sanctity of human life and white liberal guilt, and maybe play the race card, for all the security moms who need affordable health care and for their pregnant unwed teenagers, but I’m not so sure about these Reagan Democrats, I mean, I’m all for tracking down terror-loving terrorists and enemies of freedom and democracy, but who can you trust anymore, except me, because I’m a true reformer and I think if we want to fix this screwed-up country, then you should repeat after me: YES, WE CAN, you betcha, we’re gonna git ‘er done, maverick-style. Wink, wink.

OK, that’s it. I will now light myself on fire.

You may also be interested in this impressive graphic: This Fucking Election (which is where I stole the graphical excerpt above).

We can only hope that Palin will fade into Bolivian now.

With the November election imminent, I hope everyone has either voted or will be voting by Tuesday (well, unless you are a moron). If you’re an Oregon resident, hopefully you voted against all five measures put on the ballot (again) by racketeer Bill Sizemore, if only on general principle.

By the way, in a Halloween showdown, the Barack Obama mask defeated the John McCain mask in sales, 53% to 47%. See the Amazon Meter. Or check in with CNN’s Election Tracker: Candidate Polling or FiveThirtyEight.com for slightly more relevant popularity statistics. Except that we already know who’s going to win because “Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early.” I love The Onion.

What else? My “vampire electronics” post from last Halloween was kind of festive. Also, you might want to check out “The 100 most funny and unusual 404 error pages.” Many of my favorites are represented.

All right, I’ll admit it: I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories. They’re fun to think about, even if I always remain skeptical. One particular conspiracy theory from a stock message board got me thinking the other day.

What if the current problems in the U.S. economy didn’t just happen to be caused by the compounding of . . . drumroll, please . . . bad economic policy, weak regulation, irresponsible deregulation, poor incentives, massively leveraged real estate investments, record numbers of home foreclosures, frozen credit markets, and Wall Street trying to create “virtual” wealth through pyramid schemes? What if this gradually escalating financial crisis was actually part of an elaborate U.S. government orchestration to purposefully guide the markets toward failure? Something like the Panic of 1907. Having seen clear weakness in the U.S. economy years ago, perhaps high-level government administrators and economic policymakers intended to create, unsustainably prop up and then eventually fail a heavily leveraged, complex financial system. Why? Because they knew this would ultimately strengthen the position of the United States and weaken the economies of foreign countries. This nefarious Hollywood plot would ensure that the U.S. remains a world power for decades to come. Here’s the crazy message board theory:

By crashing the US markets, you bring down markets worldwide. Since the US is the first in, they will likely be the first out. This strenthens (sic) the US dollar relative to other foreign currencies. Oil (the currency of the Middle East) is also devalued since other foreign markets have a diminished demand for oil due to their economic fallout. Weakened influence of oil producers in the world is largely desireable (sic) for the US since we are the largest consumer.

Weakened foreign economies and a stronger dollar moves multinationals back into the US. This helps drive the next age in US growth. Weaker foreign currencies relative to the US dollar decreases trade gaps.

Did I mention that that this will be a windfall for the banks that are left standing?

Don’t be surprised to find out this was a planned crash, using CDS to hasten the crash. This was done similar to what happened in the early 1900s.

It’s crazy enough to kind of make sense, if you don’t really think about it. Such a scheme does assume a lot of competence from a reasonably well-organized government to pull it off. Ahem. Anyway, it’s an interesting fantasy.

I’m picturing an underground lair of undead Washington vampires who run the shadow government that controls the elected government. Mwahahaha!

Which reminds me: “Revolution ‘08” by Coldcut vs. TV Sheriff is this presidential election’s “World of Evil.” Also see a similar music video of cut-up political soundbites from the UK: “Revolution ‘02.”

Meanwhile, back in reality, many small and medium-sized companies with large amounts of debt may not be able to make it through the next year or two. Mmm, death spiral financing, anyone? Delicious.

I liked the way Bill Clinton explained some of the recent financial problems and political issues on the Late Show with David Letterman on September 22. Watch the videos of his appearance: part 1, part 2, part 3. I wish all public servants could communicate this clearly and effectively to the American people . . . in bed (just kidding).

Enjoy your pumpkin-head buckets full of candy.

All right, hold on. Let me channel my inner Comical Ali (AKA Mohammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, former Information Minister of Iraq). Some called him Baghdad Bob. Ready?

Here we go:

1. The stock market is not exhibiting symptoms of bipolar disorder.

That’s right. A violent 20% swing of the entire U.S. economy in two days is totally stable and healthy. Last Friday’s 1000-point intraday fluctuation of the Dow is in no way indicative of a panicked, whipsaw market. The fundamentals of the economy are still strong. This is not a recession. The problem is simply that the stock market forgot to take its meds. Yes, I admit, the past three weeks have been pretty depressive. (With just one manic suckers’ rally on Monday, October 13 – and a hysterical continuation the following Tuesday morning – before the market plunged hard, yet again.) But really, all the economy needs is a little lithium in its belly. See?

If the Dow Jones were my friend, I’d recommend that it seek professional psychological help immediately. Speaking of depressing things, I’d suggest not looking at your retirement funds. Just keep buying as we descend into the 7000s.

2. Avian influenza presents no real danger to humans.

Eh, well, maybe I’m losing interest in the thick sarcasm. Actually, it looks like we should be due for another influenza pandemic pretty soon. The last one was the Hong Kong flu in 1968. The most serious influenza pandemic on record was the 1918 Spanish flu. Perhaps you’d like to take a look at the federal government’s fancy pandemic flu maps.

In related news: So far, there are no confirmed cases of the highly pathogenic H5N1 strain of avian influenza in North America. But this deadly flu virus is infecting people in Asia, Europe and Africa. And it does pose a pandemic threat because humans have little or no immunity. Over half of those infected have died. So, why isn’t it more widespread by now? Because human-to-human transmission of the H5N1 virus isn’t working efficiently enough, yet. I guess we’ll probably have to wait for the swine (an intermediate animal host) to get it from the birds and then give it to us. Gee, thanks, antigenic shift. Until then, enjoy the delicious strains of seasonal influenza. That special time of year is just starting.

Looking at the H5N1 map, it reminds me that Alaska sure is close to Russia, which has been stricken with avian influenza. I sure hope the Russians don’t sneak any chickens over the Bering Strait. Good thing the Alaskans will be sure to shoo them back over into Russia, as part of Governor Palin’s foreign policy plan.

3. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is a genius of foreign policy.

Stop laughing. OK, more accurately, Sarah Palin can be described a “post turtle.” Hmm, what is a post turtle, you ask? Let me share a quote from The Idiot Speaketh:

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know she didn’t get up there by herself. She doesn’t belong up there. She doesn’t know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.”

Behold the geography of Palin:

To quote Tina Fey as Palin: “I can see Russia from my house!” By the way, thanks for the map, GraphJam.

I hope you all enjoyed the final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain tonight.

Below I’ve created a late night talk show host/comedian chain of funniness for you (from hilarious to unwatchable):

John Stewart > Craig Ferguson > Conan O’Brien > David Letterman > Stephen Colbert > Jimmy Kimmel > Jay Leno > Carson Daly

Note: My original talk show host chain also snidely included a potted plant before Jay Leno and a boiled potato before Carson Daly, but I have since reconsidered, deciding that was too cruel – even as savagely unfunny as those two are. On second thought, it might have been more appropriate to choose organisms we’re sure are sentient, like a species of parrot or monkey.

Anyway, the above comedy chain means this for late night talk show programming:

Comedy Central > CBS > NBC > ABC

Speaking of Comedy Central, this week’s South Park episode, The China Probrem, was fantastic. It’s fun to rip on George Lucas (I mean, if he were alive today). And speaking of talk show hosts, “Talk Show Host” by Radiohead is one of my favorite songs.

OK, now that we’ve got all that cleared up, let’s move on to politics.

This New York Times op-ed column was a well-written and frustrating reflection of the reality of sleazy, mud-slinging presidential campaign strategies: “The Terrorist Barack Hussein Obama.” Once backed into a corner, even the strongest among us seem ready to sell their souls out of desperation. I also liked this piece from last month: “Making America Stupid.”

The U.S. is in a sad state of affairs right now. So many economic disasters, so little time: Special Coverage: Financial Crisis.

This New York Times headline from last week gave me a kind of perverse enjoyment: “Wall Street, R.I.P.: The End of an Era, Even at Goldman.” Reality can be so absurd. This is the sort of historical happening you don’t think about experiencing in your lifetime. It’s the stuff your grandparents tell you stories about, from back in the Great Depression.

I guess this is a few weeks old, but I don’t read these kinds of magazines. A coworker shared this “Hillary, we loved your pantsuits!” photo spread with me, from Glamour magazine. It’s a salute to Hillary Clinton’s Rainbow Coalition of Pantsuits. It’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit. It’s the colorful spectrum of Hillary Clinton’s favorite outfit. It’s the . . . you know what, I’ve been thinking . . . if Hillary Clinton looked like Sarah Palin, she’d probably be the Democratic presidential nominee. How sad is that.

I like this use of graphs and charts: Le Grand Content, a short film that examines the omnipresent PowerPoint-culture in search for its philosophical potential, by Clemens Kogler and Karo Szmit.

I love this video, illustrating the community contribution aspects of Wikipedia: Professor Wikipedia. Also, I may have posted one or more of these funny cat videos before, but that’s OK: Cat vs. Cake (cat cannot defeat plastic cake cover), Laser Cat (crackhead cat chases laser pen), Nora: Practice Makes Purr-fect (cat plays piano) and Kitten Surprise (how to break up a cat fight).

On a Nintendo theme, if you want to see the baddies from the Super Mario Bros. series grumble about Bowser’s leadership, watch Bowser’s Minions. And here’s a Working Nintendo Coffee Table. The whole table is an NES controller. Very clever.

Another coworker showed the following game to me and I thought it was pretty cool, even though I don’t have a Nintendo DS. You can get new Bangai-O Spirits game levels onto Nintendo DS systems by playing WAV files through your computer’s speakers. The level data is encoded and transmitted via audio (that sounds much like a fax transmission or dial-up connection), since I guess there’s no easy way to connect the DS to a computer, or to another DS. Read more: Bangai-O Spirits Elite Design Contest. Game over!

Question: Are corporate bailouts the new rate cuts? Can this possibly save the financial system? Now there are only two independent Wall Street investment banks left standing, Goldman Sachs Group Inc. and Morgan Stanley, each with a dramatically plunging stock price. Mmm, taste the recession. Firms and companies continue to gobble each other up in order to survive. (Oh wait, we’re not in a recession. It just feels that way.)

CNBC.com reports that we are apparently in the worst slump in U.S. housing since the Great Depression. Construction starts on new homes plummeted to a 17-1/2-year low during August. The nation’s struggling real estate markets and the associated complex financial securities are destroying liquidity. Failing real estate investments are taking banks down left and right. (Good thing I just bought a house, right? Umm, right? At least I got a great mortgage rate, since the U.S. economy is total crap all around.)

Of course by now everyone has seen last weekend’s opening SNL skit with Tina Fey playing Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin, but it’s worth watching again. Gov. Palin and Senator Clinton address the nation: Palin / Hillary Open. A very enjoyable parody. The new Microsoft commercials with Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates are also amusing.

You know what tastes good? Ginger and peanut butter salad dressings, the kinds served by some Japanese, Thai and other Asian restaurants. Variants of these two dressings are really the only salad dressings I enjoy. I’m not a fan of mayonnaise or heavily vinegar-based dressings . . . and that just about sums up the rest of the salad dressing market. Peanut butter-based dressings are so good. Ginger too. Mmm. Perhaps it is time to order a bento box. To wash down the taste of the plummeting stock market.